For my frequent readers, you'll notice that I revised the remaining blogs for 2023 posts (except for this one!). I've selected and revised the most favorited blogs while I work to complete my first book, Psalm 119! Many have you been excited and reached out about my Psalm 119 series, the book, and some of you even requested new Bible chapter studies! I appreciate the continued support and encouragement. Enjoy the revised blogs in the meantime. Subscribe to my newsletter to stay updated on the book.
A perfect marriage is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.
What a wild year it’s been for us! Ruvim and I just celebrated our sixth anniversary, and it was so special. I love celebrating milestones! In my last anniversary post, I shared a few lessons which inspired me to keep these going as I’m able!
As always, I encourage you to leave a comment if you’re able. If you’re married, have you found these lessons to be true for you? If you’re not married but desire to be, which one’s stand out to you and why? I am always encouraged to hear from you and hope these blog posts inspire and motivate you!
6 Lessons For 6 Years of Marriage
Six years feels like a long time and a short time all at once. I was telling my husband that it feels long because of how much time we’ve spent together, but it also feels short because of the new versions we’ve grown into and witnessed of each other. We’re really “growing up” together and it’s been such an adventure.
Growing and learning within the context of marriage has been one of the most challenging but rewarding areas of life. It is one of my favorites, because I get to do it with my favorite person. Sadly, few people will say that. Few people can say that. There are all kinds of stories about broken marriages, breaking marriages, and the biggest reason for this, in my humble opinion, has to do with our minds and hearts.
Our minds and hearts are intricate and delicate, yet so powerful. As a wife of six years and a committed Jesus-follower of almost ten years, I am compelled to say that it is our individual duty to renew our minds to prove God’s will through our lives being lived through our bodies (Romans 12:2) not just for ourselves, but for our spouses, too. Over the years, my mind has been the most susceptible and vulnerable area to the lies of the enemy and sin. And I know the same goes for my husband.
We often call our mind a battlefield, and it’s true that it can feel that way. But I prefer to compare it to a ship at sea. The sea is the world in which we live in and the intricacies of a ship are our thoughts, imaginations, wills, and whatever else happens inside this vortex inside our souls. At the helm, the steering wheel of a ship, is the captain (you), who is also in charge of the entire ship and its smooth running. Because, when the winds and waves pick up, the ship needs to be intact to prove its ability to withstand the storm.
This could be a poor analogy, but it reminds me that, just like any ship needs constant checking and proofing and testing, so do our minds. Our minds need to be renewed to withstand the storms of this life, especially for our relationships. Here are six lessons from our six years of marriage. Be prepared for more analogies 😉
Lesson one: Protect Your Mind to Protect Your Marriage
…present your bodies as a living and holy sacrifice, acceptable to God, which is your spiritual service of worship. 2 And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect.
Romans 12:1-2
The first lesson or principle is to protect your mind, to protect your marriage. Going off of the ship analogy, the ship represents your mind. No matter what you face at sea, you ensure your ship is intact. If you let your thoughts get the best of you, consume you, and overwhelm you, your partner (on their ship) will feel a disconnect. When two ships join, or raft up in nautical terms, both ships feel the impact eventually if one ship is letting go of loose ends, ties, and so forth. You must take responsibility for your ship, pull your weight, and contribute your strengths for the benefit of both ships. The less you care for your deck and that which is below deck, the more vulnerable you are at sea, whether there’s a storm or it’s calm.
There have been many moments in our marriage where I was consumed in my mind because of external situations (situations that were completely outside of my control). As the oldest daughter and sister, I often felt obligated to rescue my family members from their troubles. In the past couple of years, specifically, this took a toll on my mind because all that occupied it was my family members and their problems. Instead of focusing on my personal wellbeing and the growth of my marriage, I spent stupid amounts of time worrying anxiously about these external situations. Time and time again, my sweet husband warned, urged, and encouraged me to protect my mind because he felt the weight of my distraction. The captain of her own ship was concerned with someone else’s ship instead of her own!
What I found is that if we don’t protect our minds, our marriages become vulnerable to dangers that don’t necessarily happen “at sea” but on our own ships. One leak or loose rope, then another and another, and your ship is vulnerable to all kinds of threats (water, animals, mold, etc.). These moments compound overtime and before you know it, you can’t keep up with yourself.
Apostle Paul writes to the Romans to present their bodies as a spiritual service of worship and to renew their minds. Renewing the mind is how we, as Christian spouses, protect our minds to protect our marriages. We do this by filling our minds with God’s truth and wisdom by reading the Word of God, listening to sound teachings, obeying and applying practical principles (not just talking about them), and doing everything in our power (and trusting the Holy Spirit) to protect our thought-life daily.
Lesson two: Fight For Each Other, Not Each Other
It is better to live in a corner of the housetop than in a house shared with a quarrelsome wife.
Proverbs 21:9
The second lesson is to fight for each other, not each other. Imagine a rope laying on the ground, ready for a serious game of Tug-of-War. You and your spouse make one team. The other team comprises these Smurf-looking creatures called “issues.” Both teams pick up the rope and start tugging. Then, at one point, you decide your spouse does something wrong and, instead of tugging on the rope with your spouse, you pull yourself along the rope to the other side and turn to face your spouse. No longer are you on the same side. You’re fighting against each other. Soon enough, the little issues pile up behind you, and a few more behind your spouse, and neither of you are winning. But did you know that by staying on the same side and tugging together, each individual issue dissolves as soon as the rope crosses the line marked on the ground?
This is exactly what happens when spouses fight each other. Instead of fighting each other, we should fight for each other by staying on the same end of the rope, tugging together and for each other, until each issue wears out, disappears, and dissolves!
I wouldn’t say Ruvim and I fight a lot, we bicker more. But even in our bickering and frustrating conversations, something we try to remind ourselves (even mid-fight) is that we’re on the same side and we’re fighting for our marriage. I recall a few specific moments where communication felt difficult, and either Ruvim or I paused and said something like, “hey, we’re on the same team.” And that reminds us of this lesson, or Tug-of-War game, and we get better at winning it.
Lesson three: Discuss the Problem, Not Each Other
Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them.
Colossians 3:18-19
The third lesson is to discuss the problem, not each other. Similar to lesson two, this principle focuses on staying on the same team. If you’ve ever been in an escape room, you know that to win; you have to work together. Not only that, but you must communicate with each other well. Instead of discussing your spouse’s shortcomings and pointing fingers at each other when you’re solving problems, shift your focus from your spouse to the problem. Look at the situation, the conversation, the issue you’re solving like an escape room you have to get out of together (and not from each other!).
In a recent and somewhat frustrating conversation, we both realized the importance of facing and solving the problem together. Instead of winding up and picking at why the other person is wrong or offensive, we agreed that if this topic came up again, we could start a “problem board” and pin anything else on there so that we might (physically) face and discuss the problems together, instead of discussing each other. This puts us on the same page, with the perspective of being on the same team, working on the same problem, and learning how to communicate better in the long-run.
Lesson four: Trust Each Other’s Intentions
Then the Lord God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.”
Genesis 2:18
Lesson four is to trust each other’s intentions. This lesson could follow lesson one immediately. To trust each other’s intentions, you must first protect your own mind. Instead of assuming your spouse is out to get you, hurt you, cheat on you, lose interest in you, and whatever else is coming to your mind, you must remind yourself of your spouse’s love for you. Just like we must remind ourselves of God’s love for us, we must do the same with our spouses because human marriage reflects the spiritual marriage between Christ and the Church. (This is assuming you’re in a healthy, non-abusive relationship. A separate topic I won’t go into here).
Even in healthy marriages, there are often moments of assumption that your spouse’s intentions aren’t pure. But the truth that helped shake this out of my mind is the fact that my spouse stands before God the same way I do. The things I assumed of Ruvim doing to me or our marriage can be true of me, too. We are both capable of damaging and hurting each other and our marriage. We are also MORE THAN capable of loving each other well and proving to ourselves foremost that marriage is worth working on by trusting each other’s intentions. The latter often proves to be harder because it doesn’t appease our flesh.
Lesson five: Be Slow to Speak, Quick to Understand
Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins.
1 Peter 4:8
The fifth lesson is to be slow to speak and quick to understand. There’s a Star Wars scene that comes to mind as an analogy (excuse my nerdiness), and it’s where Ahsoka loses her lightsaber. Rather, it gets stolen. She seeks help from an ancient Jedi, Tera Sinube, who goes at a much slower pace than she’s used to. At the end of the episode, she notes how, despite his slow pace, he always seemed one step ahead of her, and he encourages her to pass on what she learned. His “slowness” allowed him to think things through and see the bigger picture constantly. He was one step ahead because he was quick to understand, but first, slow to speak.
I’m a talker (if you made it this far into this long blog post and listened to my podcast, you’ll know). One of my biggest personal challenges is being slow to speak. During this past year, I noticed the benefits when I practiced this principle intentionally, especially in my conversations with my husband. These benefits made me want to grasp this lesson even more. As conversations unravel between me and Ruvim, I’ve often reminded myself and continue to remind myself of this principle.
When I talk too much, I need to understand that I often end up having a conversation with myself, feel scattered without a steady train of thought, or even regretful. But when I’m slow to speak, I feel at ease. I’m quick to understand (because it’s a by-product) and I have become more understanding of Ruvim. My perspective changes and what I wanted to blurt out shortens to a clear, concise, and smooth statement. All of this allows room for two to take part in, not just the conversation, but the experience of emotional, soulful intimacy.
Lesson six: Intimacy Is Much More than Sex
Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord…
Ephesians 5:22, 25
Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her…
Finally, the sixth lesson is that intimacy is much more than sex. Sex is a wonderful part of marriage, but not without intimacy. The world and its sinful ways have separated intimacy and sex, offering only one without the other. It’s possible to have sex without intimacy, those are often called one-night stands. But God intended for the two to always be paired and only in marriage. When couples are wholly intimate (physically, emotionally, mentally) there is deepening in their oneness just like God designed. As they deepen in oneness, their love and submission for one another increases.
The perfect analogy for this is Christ and the Church, the Church as a whole and as each of us individuals. In our relationship with God, we must submit to Him as His Bride, while Christ loves us and gave Himself up for each of us. Our union with our spouses is often a direct reflection of our relationship with God. The way I am intimate (knowing, pursuing, loving, being) with God reflects my intimacy with Ruvim and vice versa. This might sound weird, but the fruit or satisfaction that comes from our relationship with God is like a picture of what happens when couples engage in whole intimacy (again, not just sex).
Human marriage points to the spiritual marriage between Christ and the Church. If we looked at our relationships the way we look at our relationship with God, how would that change the way we run our marriage?
Closing
There’s much more to be said on each of these lessons, but this blog post is already too long! If there’s one we could expound on, let me know in the comments! In the meantime, check out more posts on faith, motivational, and life.
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I’m excited to share more about this adventurous life. I hope to inspire and empower you to find transformation in every area of your life, especially your marriage!
Thanks for reading today! ❤
tanyaremkiv 
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